


Under her sleeve

by eaturgreens



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:42:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22272037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eaturgreens/pseuds/eaturgreens
Summary: Why the Doctor started wearing a long sleeved woollen jumper after Spyfall pt 2Trigger warning: self-harm
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 3
Kudos: 65





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guuuuyyyyyys this is my first post on here and I'm sorry its a bit depressing. I don't know why I thought of this it honestly just randomly came to me.
> 
> Well enjooyyyyy!! Xx

The doctor had a new look. No one knew quite sure why. Or where it came from. But no one questioned it. You learned not to question these sort of things with the doctor.

The fam where treking through an alien rainforest after following a distress call which had ultimately been a trap and where now left in the middle of the rainforest, in the blistering heat, trying to get back to the safety of the TARDIS. 

Everyone had quickly removed as many layers of clothing as they could as the heat was insufferable. Everyone but her. She just carried on walking, leading the way in her woolen jumper not saying a word. 

She was angry at herself. She had put them in danger again and it was all her fault. Like after most trips that had ended disastrously she briefly considered just sending them home and going on her way. But every time she just shook this thought away. Selfish, she thought to herself. Keeping them in danger just because she was scared of being alone. 

'Aren't ya gonna take that jumper off doctor?' Yaz had said, distracting her from her thoughts. She didn't reply just a swift shake of the head. She should probably give some excuse about her being alien and not reacting to the heat as much but she had no effort to at that moment so left it at that. In reality she was just as hot as they were but knew she couldn't take it off. She couldn't let them see what lay below her dark woolly sleeves. They would try to help. Be comforting and kind and she didn't want that at the moment. That's not what she needed. 

A family shape in the distance brought a happy cry from all members of her fam. The TARDIS. Safety. 

Once back in the box and into the vortex all members of her fam went to have a much needed shower and rest after their tiring ordeal. Leaving her by herself next to the console. 

Exhausted, she slumped down against her console, replaying that days events in her head. How could she have been so stupid. Leading them into danger like that. What was wrong with her. 

'Doctor?' 

A concerned voice snapped her out of her darkening thoughts. 

'You alright?' 

She didn't answer immediately. What could she say. There was nothing she could say. They wouldn't understand. 

'I'm fine Yaz, yeah I'm great! Just a bit tired that's all, what with all our running today. Did i say you were absolutely great today? Cos you were brilliant! I will definitely be dishing out points....'.

'Doctor stop!' Yaz exclaimed loudly.  
'You're crying', she finished quieter, softer.

The doctor reached a hand up to her cheek and sure enough it felt wet. She hadn't realised she was crying. 'Stupid emotions', she thought.

'Doctor please talk to me', Yaz pleaded.  
'You haven't been yourself since after the Master turned up'.

She flinched at the name, not going unnoticed by Yaz. 

'You have to talk to us. We are your friends Doctor. Your fam'.

How could she even start explaining to them what was wrong with her. How could they understand. They were young humans. She was a 3000 year old Time Lord who had seen and done things that would amaze them but also make them want to run out of the TARDIS and never look back. How could she start to explain her relationship with the Master. Her best friend. The only one who understands her but who also happened to be her worst enemy and worst nightmare. She had tried so hard to change Missy. And she thought she had, untill she left her and betrayed her again. And now he was back. A mad, evil person who leaves death and destruction in his wake. And now he had destroyed their planet, just after she had gotten it back.

At first she was angry. Now she was just empty and numb. That's why she had first done it. Cut herself. It was a way to feel again. A way to still be in control. It had started off only a few cuts before realising she had to stop but had soon become more and more, her arm soon littered with scars. 

She knew she had to be careful. She could not let them find out so only did it while they were sleeping and quickly cleaned up afterwards. She couldn't tell them. It was a secret. And that's how it would stay. 

'Sorry Yaz, honestly I'm fine just a bit tired and shaken a little bit by him that's all, really. Please don't worry about me. I'm perfectly fine', she finally responded with her most convincing smile. It was obviously convincing enough as Yaz visibly relaxed and smiled back at her. 

'If your sure then'. 

The Doctor nodded cheerily enough in response. 

'Well night then. See you in the morning'. Yaz said as she started heading back off into the depths of the TARDIS. 

'Night Yaz', she responded.

She was by herself again. All alone with her hidden scars and secrets.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to write another chapter. This one is sad but has a happy ending

Yaz didn't mention seeing her cry again. It was like it never happened. And the doctor was perfectly fine with it staying like that. 

She knew her fam spoke about her. She would hear parts of a whispered conversation before loudly making her presence known with a loud voice and bright smile. She knew that her facade wouldn't last much longer though, she was snapping at them more often and her 'smile' was becoming less cheerful by the day. They could tell something was wrong with her but were never given an opportunity to even try bringing it up to her before they were swept away to a new planet and a new adventure, not even being given the chance to breathe inbetween until the last planet they visited. Where the doctor had failed. 

Of course she had tried her hardest to save everyone, that's what she did, but this time she hadn't been quick enough, hadn't been smart enough and people had lost their lives. Children had lost their lives. 

The silence in the TARDIS was deafening. No one knew quite what to stay. They were all stood awkwardly round the console not knowing what to do. It was very clear that the doctor was angry and upset. She hadn't moved from her spot hunched over the controls since they had gotten back. 

'It wasn't your fault', Yaz had been the one to finally break the silence. 'There was nothing you could have done'. 

Still no one said a word until the doctor finally spoke in a voice barely louder than a whisper. 

'Of course it's my fault. How could it not be my fault. These people put their trust in me and I let them down, just like I always do. And because of me so many innocent people died who could have been saved, so many children could still have their whole future ahead of them but I let them down and now they are dead and that is my fault so don't you dare say it wasn't'. 

She was shouting and breathless when she finally came to the end but still facing the console, not daring to look them in the eye. Afraid of seeing how they were looking at her. Judging her. 

'Doctor please listen to me. You can't save everyone, that would be impossible. The best thing you can do is try. And you did try, you tried your hardest, you always do and you have saved so many people so many lives. We have seen you do incredible things and put your life on the line just to save one person. You are the greatest person I have ever met and that doesn't change just because once it didn't go to plan. And your acting like you killed those people. You didn't. You saved so many of them... '

'But not all of them Yaz', the doctor interrupted with a sigh finally turning round to face them, 'I couldn't save all of them'.

'No', Yaz said quietly, 'but you tried your hardest'.

'No Yaz!' the doctor shouted suddenly angry, 'you don't get it, I may try my hardest but I still always loose. Just like with the Master. I thought I had won, I thought I had saved eveyone and finally stopped his destructive ways but at the end of the day I STILL LOST!'

The doctor slumped against the console and fell to the floor, crying pitifully into her knees. Her fam shared confused faces. How had they lost. The Master had been stopped and sent away so how could the doctor still be the one to loose. Ryan and Graham gave Yaz a soft smile and nod and left the room leaving Yaz alone with a broken doctor. 

'Hey, hey doctor I'm sorry about that',Yaz started softly making her way slowly over to the hunched doctor.

'No don't be sorry its my fault, I shouldn't have shouted that was wrong of me and I'm really so so sorry', she chocked out, tears still streaming down her face. She had tried so hard to contain it but now there was no point so just let all of her hidden emotions just break free.

'No doctor it's okay it's fine, you probably needed to do that anyway as you seem to have been bottling it up for quite a while now'.

The doctor didn't respond for a while and the only noise was the humming of the TARDIS and her occasional sniffs. 

'I'm guessing you want to go home for a while', the doctor said while turning her body to reach up to the console.

Before Yaz could tell the doctor to stop being silly she noticed clear, distinct marks on the doctor's arm as her sleeve had slightly ridden up with her reach. 

'Doctor what's that!?' Yaz exclaimed, alarmed at the sight.

'What's what?' , she started before realising what Yaz was looking at. 'Oh', she responded, 'nothing just an accident while repairing the TARDIS'. 

'No its not doctor let me see', she said approaching the doctor.

'No, no its fine I told you', the doctor replied holding her arm protectively to her chest.

'Doctor it's not fine though is its. You're self-harming. Please just let me see and let me try to help you. I know you never like accepting help but please doctor. If you won't accept help for yourself then at least do it for me. I don't want to know that you are suffering this much and I am doing absolutely nothing to help you'.

She was about to quickly decline the offer again and tell Yaz that she was fine before she looked into her dark eyes. She saw how upset she was by what she had seen. 

'Okay fine', the doctor sighed and was about to say something else before she was immediately brought into a warm hug. She tensed at first, not used to the physical contact but soon relaxed into it and found that in Yaz's arms she felt loved and safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!! I actually really like this story especially as it is my first one. If you have any ideas for future fics I could write please let me know :-)
> 
> Edit: I read this a year after posting it and its a bit shite isn't it hahaha nm some people liked it :)

**Author's Note:**

> Well there we go!  
> I was thinking of maybe adding another chapter with a happy ending to it cos this is a bit sad so just tell me what u think and if u think I should or not!!!!


End file.
